the doctor will see you now
by dicaeopolis
Summary: Kageyama and Hinata decide to try some roleplay in the bedroom.


Hinata sat cross-legged on top of the threadbare blue covers, staring at the laptop in front of him. Kageyama had actually made his bed for this, which made it a special occasion already.

"Kageyama," he said, "the website doesn't explain where you're supposed to find costumes like that." He gestured at the screen, which featured a man in a cutoff lab coat with DR. SEXY written on the name tag and a woman wearing a suspiciously short nurse's dress.

Standing next to the bed, Kageyama was examining the stethoscope in his hand. "Why are you asking me about it? I don't even know how _this_ works," he replied, tilting the device from side to side and squinting down at it.

Hinata waved a dismissive hand. "Don't worry, we'll figure it out. Did you get the lab coats from your sister's office?"

"Uh huh." Kageyama picked up a bag from his desk and tossed one of the items inside at his boyfriend. "They're not like the ones in the pictures, but they're still doctor coats."

"Alright!" Hinata snatched the bundle out of midair and unfolded it to reveal a full-sized white lab coat. "I think we should be naked under them, though."

"That makes sense," Kageyama agreed. "It _is_ supposed to be sexy."

A few minutes later, both of them were dressed in nothing but the lab coats. Hinata dropped back down on the bed in front of his laptop. Kageyama sat down next to him, slung one arm around his waist, and rested his chin on Hinata's shoulder. "Okay, how does it say we start?"

On the screen, the top of the page read, "SEXY ROLEPLAY: DOCTOR EDITION". Just below the header, a woman holding a syringe was looking into the camera with a sultry smirk. Below that, several steps were written out in Times New Roman.

"Choose one person to be the patient and one to be the doctor," Hinata read off from the top of the list.

Kageyama nodded. "Alright, we can do that. I'll be the doctor, you're too stupid to get a degree."

"What!" Hinata squawked. He glared up at Kageyama. "You're just as dumb as I am! _I_ want to be the doctor!"

Kageyama bonked him on the head. "Well, we can't _both_ be doctors!"

"Why _not?"_

"Because-" Kageyama began, then stopped short. Hinata's eyes were still boring into him. "Because - _you can't have two doctors!"_

"Yes you _can!"_ Hinata scowled. "They do it in TV shows all the time!"

"Well-" Kageyama was struggling. "Well, who's going to be the patient, then?!"

"We can find _something."_ Hinata was getting determined now. "This is your room, do you have anything we could use?"

"I have a dumbbell," Kageyama said.

"We can't-" Hinata checked the website again. "We can't 'begin to perform a checkup on any _sensitive areas'_ on a _dumbbell._ Do you have _anything_ else? Like, a stuffed animal or something?" Kageyama went still, and Hinata's eyes narrowed. _"Kageyama."_

"I… Promise you won't laugh."

Normally, Hinata had no qualms about teasing Kageyama, but after two and a half years of dating, he could tell when his boyfriend was actually tense, so he bumped Kageyama's shoulder with his own and offered him a smile. "I promise."

"Okay." Kageyama turned to rest his chin on the top of Hinata's head and relax against him for a moment, then got up and walked over towards his closet. He pushed aside a haphazard stack of old trophies and two cardboard boxes of clothes, and then returned to the bed with something small and fluffy clutched in his hands.

Hinata moved the laptop to Kageyama's nightstand and hopped up to stand next to him. "Alright, let's see it."

Kageyama shifted a little, but under Hinata's encouraging smile, he lifted up his hands to reveal a battered stuffed rabbit. One eye was missing, and the stuffing was bursting out a hole in the side of its head. "It's… It's just a bunny."

"This will work," Hinata told him. "What's his name?"

Kageyama jerked back like he'd been burned, the tips of his ears reddening. "Why do you need to know that?"

Hinata rolled his eyes. "It's for _bedside manner,_ dumbass. We have to treat our patients _personally_."

" _We can just make up a name-"_

"No! How would you feel if your doctor just started calling you Hiro or something?"

Kageyama glowered for a moment more, then deflated. "Fine. It's… Fluffy-san."

"Fluffy-san." Hinata, charitably, didn't question it. Instead, he just carefully arranged the bunny on the bed and smiled kindly down at it. "Fluffy-san! Everything's going to be just fine. Alright." He looked up at Kageyama again. "Where should we start with examining sensitive areas, Kageyama?"

Kageyama shook his head. "You have to call me by a doctor name. Dr. Kageyama."

"Okay, but if I have to call you Dr. Kageyama, you have to call me Dr. Hinata!" Hinata's mouth pressed into a determined line. "It's only fair!"

Kageyama sniffed. "Alright, _Dr. Hinata."_

" _Thank_ you, _Dr. Kageyama."_

They glowered at each other for a moment, then moved on. "Now what?" asked Kageyama.

"Well, you have the stethoscope, don't you?" Hinata gestured to the instrument hanging around his neck. "Take his heartbeat."

Kageyama frowned at him. "I told you, I don't know how to use it!"

"Just put it in your ears and listen!" Hinata lunged up to jam in the earpieces into Kageyama's ears.

Kageyama yelped at the intrusion. _"Ow!_ That _hurts,_ you dumbass - _fuck-"_ As Hinata hung off him, Kageyama lost his balance, and the two of them fell bodily down to the floor, landing with twin _oof_ s. They tussled for a few moments, then forgot about that dispute too, and stood up again.

"Okay," Hinata said, brushing some dust from Kageyama's lab coat. "Can you check his breathing _now?"_

"I'm _trying."_ Kageyama glared down at him for a moment, then pressed his stethoscope to the bunny's chest.

Hinata watched for a bit, then asked, "How's his heartbeat?"

"He doesn't have one," Kageyama reported.

Hinata nodded. "Sounds good. Um… What else do doctors usually do?"

Kageyama considered. "Mine usually takes my heartbeat in a few different places."

"Then do that!"

Kageyama pressed his stethoscope to the bunny's back and sides, then to a few spots on its legs for good measure.

"This is kind of boring," Hinata said after a few moments of stethoscope observation. "What's the website say?"

"I'll look." Kageyama shifted over to check on the screen. "It says… 'Get creative. Spice it up'," he read.

Just then, Hinata's hands made their way to the bunny's head, where the stuffing was nearly bursting out of the hole. He went dead still.

"...Hinata?"

Hinata looked up at Kageyama, eyes blazing.

" _This bunny has a brain tumor,"_ he whispered.

Kageyama looked startled. "What? How do you know?"

"I can feel the swelling. The tumor is pressing against the inside of his cranium." Hinata's face was as morbid as the grave. "It's _terminal."_

The room went dead silent for a moment. Then Hinata looked over at Kageyama, who was staring back with a horrified expression.

" _I don't know anything about brain surgery!"_

Hinata cursed. "Neither do I! Google it!"

Kageyama snatched the laptop from the nightstand. With a few keystrokes, he'd found his way to the website of the Japanese Brain Tumor Association. He and Hinata scanned the page desperately. "It says… We have to remove it. The tumor."

"We need the proper instruments!" Hinata sprinted out of the room, lab coat flapping around his legs, then returned a moment later with a pair of tweezers. "I have a scalpel!"

Kageyama's brow furrowed. "That's a pair of tweezers."

" _Kageyama."_ Hinata glared at him. "I mean, _Dr._ Kageyama. We're roleplaying, remember?" he stage-whispered.

Kageyama blinked. "Oh, right. A scalpel. Is it sterilized?"

" _What kind of hospital do you think we're running here?"_

"I was just _checking!"_ Kageyama reached to take the pair of tweezers from him. "Whatever, let's just start operating!"

"Okay, okay, get going! What's the website say?"

"Uh-" Kageyama glanced at the screen. "'Get creative. Spice it up'."

" _That's the wrong website!"_

" _Damm_ it!" Kageyama switched to the other tab. "It says we have to drill a hole in his scalp, to remove the thing."

"He's already _got_ a hole in his scalp!" Hinata cried, gesturing at the hole in the bunny's fur. "Just get the tumor out!"

Kageyama bent down, caught hold of a strand of stuffing and tugged it out. Nearly the entire headful of stuffing came with it, and the bunny's newly emptied head deflated inwards.

"Shit!" Hinata's eyes were huge. "We're losing him! _We're losing him!"_

Kageyama frantically stuffed the stuffing back into the head. "Get the defibrillizer!"

" _Defibrifier!"_

" _Whatever!"_

All arguments were forgotten as Hinata snatched up his phone and pressed it to Fluffy-san's chest, to resuscitate it. A light sheen of sweat gathered on Kageyama's forehead as he carefully tugged the correct amount of excess stuffing out of the hole. Hinata hovered by with the defibrillator, until-

" _Got it!"_

Hinata took the stuffing from Kageyama's tweezers and dropped it down onto the floor, but the job wasn't done yet - the bunny's head was still gaping open. "We have to stitch him up!"

"Um-" Kageyama glanced around in desperation, then pointed at his desk. _"Tape!"_

Hinata darted over to the desk and dug the roll of scotch tape out of his top drawer. He hurled it across the room at Kageyama, who employed all the skills of his years as a setter to catch it. "Go, go, _go!"_

"I'm _going!"_ Kageyama swiftly taped up the wound, holding what was left of Fluffy-san's head together. The bunny's plastic eyes looked brighter already, and Kageyama sighed with relief. "It's done."

"Check his vitals," Hinata instructed him. "We have to make sure he's safe."

Kageyama peered first into the bunny's beady eyes, then his pink felt mouth. "All stable."

"And how's his heartbeat?" Hinata asked.

Kageyama pressed the stethoscope to Fluffy-san's furry chest, and a relieved smile broke across his face. "Still nothing."

Hinata exhaled a shaky breath. "Thank god."

He moved Fluffy-san to the nightstand, careful not to disturb his wounds, and then stretched his arms high above his head, struck by a sudden wave of exhaustion.

"Doctor roleplay is a lot of work," Kageyama observed as he stripped off his lab coat and pulled on a pair of pajama pants.

"Mmhmm." Hinata left his own white coat in a crumpled heap on the floor and tugged on his boxers. "But I think it's worth it. Who would've saved Fluffy-san if we didn't?"

"Uh huh." Kageyama placed the stethoscope on the nightstand, then slumped down onto their bed. Hinata sprawled out next to him, and, for a moment, they just stayed like that, letting the adrenaline drain from their bodies. After a little while, Hinata scooted closer, and Kageyama lifted a tired arm to let Hinata cuddle into his side.

"I like roleplay," Hinata mumbled against Kageyama's chest. "We should do this again,"

"Mm," Kageyama agreed. His hand found its way into Hinata's hair and ruffled, slow and lazy. "But now, sleep."

Hinata nodded, and a healthily recovering Fluffy-san rested on the nightstand next to the bed as they drifted off.


End file.
